An Anthology of Wizard Wheezes!
by sprinter1988
Summary: A collection of funny jokes and stories, old and new, told with a Harry Potter twist. WARNING: entries may be bad, mad, rude, crude, insulting, amusing or hilarious, resulting in groans, grins, giggles or full blown laughter depending on your own tastes, though there should be something for most. Probably should not be read by those under 15. Read at your own peril! Short Oneshots!
1. Hen Night Aftermath

**An Anthology of Wizard Wheezes!**

**(Funny Tales from the Magical World!)**

Hen Night Aftermath!

It was three in the morning and the streets were deserted, except for two women who were staggering along, each one using the other as a support.

Angelina and Alicia were far too drunk to apparate home, so they had opted to make the trip on foot.

The pair had just come from the hen night (or bachelorette party, if you prefer) of Katie Bell, who was getting married the following Saturday.

"That was one hell of a party!" slurred Alicia.

"Sure was," replied Angelina.

"That DJ was fantastic!" Alicia added.

"Sure was," replied Angelina.

"And that stripper! Boy, was he something else!" continued Alicia.

"Sure was," replied Angelina.

Alicia paused for a moment before announcing "Uh oh! I need to pee!"

"Sure was," replied Angelina.

Alicia shook her head and pulled out her wand "I'll have to use that spell…"

Angelina turned to her friend and her eyes widened at the sight of a wand in her hand.

Before Alicia could cast a spell, Angelina had snatched the wand out of her hand.

"Hey!" protested Alicia "Give that back!"

"If we're too drunk to apparate then we are too drunk to be casting spells," said Angelina "especially ones on ourselves."

"But I really have to pee!" protested Alicia.

Angelina looked around at the area surrounding them and spotted the gates to the graveyard up ahead.

"Come on," she said "You can squat behind a tomb stone."

The two witches staggered up the road and into the graveyard, by which time Angelina needed to pee as well.

They each picked a tomb stone and crouched down behind it to do what they had to do.

"Angelina?" asked Alicia.

"Yes?" Angelina asked back.

"How am I… you know, going to tidy myself up?"

"Just use your panties and throw them away. That's what I'm doing."

Alicia was scandalised "I can't do that! These are one of my best pairs of panties!"

"Well," said Angelina looking around "Well, have a look around for a bunch of flowers to use, then."

"That's disgusting!" exclaimed Alicia.

"You got a better idea?" asked Angelina.

After a moment Alicia gave an audible grumble of "Fine!" and reached out for the nearest bunch of flowers.

Business done, they left the graveyard and staggered off again, eventually arriving that their respective homes.

* * *

><p>The following morning Fred Weasley was standing behind the counter in the joke shop that he owned with his twin brother, George.<p>

The shop wasn't open yet, and Fred had gotten in a little early to catch up on some paperwork, but despite being there for half an hour so far with his quill poised, ready to go above a sheet of parchment, he had yet to write anything.

His mind was elsewhere.

He heard the fireplace in the back room roar into life as someone arrived via the floo network and a few moments later a rather worried George entered the shop floor.

Noticing that something was wrong with his brother, Fred asked "What up George?"

George shook his head and replied "It's that bloody hen night the girls' went on last night. I want to know what happened. Angelina came home last night and she wasn't wearing any panties!"

Fred snorted derisively before replying "You think you've got problems? When I got up this morning I saw that Alicia had a sticker on her ass that read "_It's been a blast and we shall miss you, lots of love, all the boys at the fire station_!""

* * *

><p><strong>AN: I make no apologies for this! All I will say is that I hope that this at least got a smile out of you!**

**Anyway, this begins my new mini-series, which is essentially turning many jokes into Harry Potter stories to make people laugh.**

**Some of these will be as old as time itself, others will be new(ish). I myself first heard this joke years ago, but hopefully some of you will be getting to experience it for the first time.**

**If this one didn't tickle your fancy, I encourage you to read on, as there might just be something up ahead that will cheer you up!**


	2. Dudley's Dilemma

**An Anthology of Wizard Wheezes!**

**(Funny Tales from the Magical World!)**

Dudley's Dilemma!

Dudley Dursley walked into the offices of the local area newspaper, the Whinging Echo, in order to place an advertisement.

It had been a rough couple of years for Dudley, first his Father had been caught by the Inland Revenue for tax fraud, the resulting legal proceedings almost bankrupting the family. Following this, Dudley had been caught breaking into cars on Magnolia Crescent and sentenced to two years in a young offenders' institute.

Since being let out, Dudley had been doing his best to go straight. He'd even gotten himself a job!

It wasn't anything glamorous. He just worked with a couple of guys who did house clearances. Usually this involved situations where someone had died, their relatives had taken everything of value, and then called Dudley's boss, Mick, to come in and remove the rest before they sold the house.

They didn't get paid much, but the general rule was that whatever they found they could keep. Usually they sold anything that was in reasonable condition, but sometimes things would just find their way home.

In fact, Dudley had furnished his flat in this way.

Usually, when they had something to sell, Dave handled it, either by calling on a few of his contacts or placing adverts in the local paper.

Dave was off ill today, so Dudley was deputising for him.

He approached the reception desk and asked the woman sitting behind it "Excuse me, but where do I go if I want to place an advert in your paper?"

"Just down that corridor there," replied the woman "and it's the third door on your left."

"Thank you," he said and headed off down the corridor.

He knocked on the appropriate door and was asked to enter.

Inside he was greeted by another woman sitting at another desk.

"How may I help you sir?" she asked, with a large smile.

"Um," said Dudley "I'd like to place an advert in your newspaper."

"Of course, sir," she replied "Will this be about an event, a personal ad, a family announcement, a lost item or things for sale?"

"Things for sale," replied Dudley.

"Very good sir," she replied "Adverts in the Things for Sale section cost fifty pence per inch."

Dudley's face fell and asked in shock "Fifty pence per inch? I can't afford that, it's extortionate!"

The woman's smile disappeared as she replied "That price is actually very reasonable sir, twenty pence cheaper than you'd have to pay for the Whinging Weekly Advertiser."

"That's all very well and good," said Dudley "but I've got a pair of thirty foot ladders for sale!"

* * *

><p><strong>*Ahem*<strong>

**Smeltings was well worth the fees!**


	3. Ron's Missed Opportunity

**An Anthology of Wizard Wheezes!**

**(Funny Tales from the Magical World!)**

Ron's Missed Opportunity.

Junior Auror Ronald Weasley was on patrol duty again.

If his boss was anyone other than his best mate Harry Potter, then Ron would be certain that he was constantly tasked with patrolling this lane just off of Diagon Alley simply to keep him out of the way.

However, as his boss was his best mate Harry Potter, Ron was certain that he wasn't he just to be kept out of the way. Harry trusted him. That much was obvious by the fact that Ron was the only Auror on patrol in this street.

Of course, the reason for that had to be because his best mate Harry Potter trusted him to keep this street safe all on his own, and not because no one else in the Auror Department wanted to work with Ron.

All in all, it wasn't a bad job, strolling up and down this street, making sure that everyone was okay and getting free cups of coffee, bottles of beer, slices of cake and sandwiches from various people.

Of course, these gifts were because everyone on this street was so nice and not because they knew that the best way to distract the Auror from some of their seedier activities was to get him occupied with the task of stuffing his face.

The street hadn't changed much in the past three years that Ron had been walking it, but today was different.

A new storefront had been erected over the past few days and today the place had opened for the first time.

Walking by, Ron paused to observe the blackboard sign that stood on the street in front of the building.

Painted at the top of the sign were the words "Madam Muffins' Café and Brothel."

This intrigued Ron. Just the other day he and his drinking buddy Seamus Finnigan had been discussing the question of why no one had ever thought to provide a professional service that combined the delights of sex and food.

Below the name of the shop there was some writing, written in white chalk. Upon closer inspection, Ron realised that it was a price list that read:

_Cake: 3 sickles._

_Sandwich: 4 sickles._

_Pie: 5 sickles._

_Tea: 3 sickles._

_Coffee: 3 sickles._

_Hand job: 1 galleon._

_Blowjob: 5 galleons._

_Sex: 10 galleons._

Ron decided that this warranted further investigation!

Squaring his shoulders, he walked towards the door and went inside.

All around him the sounds and smell of sex filled the air.

Naked women were everywhere, eagerly serving their paying customers.

Ron approached the front desk where a twenty-something blond with a fantastic chest greeted him with a bright, welcoming smile.

"Good morning sir," she said brightly "What can we do for you today?"

Ron leaned against the counter and asked in a low voice "Are you the woman who gives hand jobs?"

She leaned forwards, making sure that her breasts were as noticeable as possible. Giving him her best '_come hither'_ look she replied in a sultry tone "I certainly am."

"Okay," said Ron "Well wash your hands and make me a ham and cheese sandwich."

* * *

><p><strong>Ron knows what he wants!<strong>


	4. Fake Names

**An Anthology of Wizard Wheezes!**

**(Funny Tales from the Magical World!)**

Fake Names

The eight friends stumbled drunkenly out of the club and into the busy street.

Following the end of the war against Lord Voldemort, Dean Thomas, Seamus Finnigan, Lavender Brown and Parvati Patil had decided to celebrate by painting the town red, muggle style. They had also decided to drag their fellow Gryffindors, Ron Weasley, Neville Longbottom, Hermione Granger and the man who won, Harry Potter, along for the ride as well.

Seamus, Neville, Ron and Lavender were loudly singing some Irish drinking song that Seamus had just taught to the other three, Parvati and Dean were trying to walk and tongue wrestle at the same time and Harry was trying his best to keep Hermione, the groups' lightweight, from falling flat on her face.

Unfortunately Harry wasn't exactly steady on his own feet and eventually Hermione did fall, taking Harry with her.

"Easy you two!" said Lavender.

"Yeah," agreed Seamus "At least wait until you get home before attempting drunken monkey sex!"

Hermione crawled away from Harry and towards the kerb, where she threw up down a drain.

"Nice, Granger!" said Dean.

Harry had gotten back up by now and was just helping Hermione to stand again when their attention was caught by blue flashing lights.

"Aw, shit!" cursed Seamus "It's the Muggle Aurors!"

"Alright," said Dean, who was the only one to have gone out into the Muggle world like this before and had previous experience of dealing with the police "Just keep calm everyone and if they ask for your name just give them a fake."

As everyone began trying to think of a fake name the police car came to a stop and one police officer got out.

"Alright you lot?" the officer asked. He didn't look much older than them and was probably relatively new to the job.

To Dean that just meant that talking their way out of this would be all the easier.

"We're fine, officer," he replied.

"You're friend's looking a bit worse for wear," the officer replied, nodding to Hermione.

"Yeah," said Dean "The birthday girl hit the shots a bit hard. We were just going to call it a night."

The young police officer eyed Dean suspiciously before pulling out a notebook and pencil, stating "Can I take your names?"

Dean knew that this wasn't actually a question and, without hesitation, replied "Mark Spencer."

The others looked around and realised that Dean had taken his name from the shop Marks & Spencer, which was standing on the opposite side of the street.

Seeing the Officer note down Dean's fake name, Seamus decided to follow his lead.

He spotted the John Lewis department store but decided that that was too obvious so instead offered "Lewis Johnson."

Parvati meanwhile had spotted the clothing store Primark and, after taking a brief moment to think on how this could be used as an effective name offered up "Priya Marks."

Neville's eyes had landed on a sign for the nearby Asda supermarket. That in itself was no good, but beneath the logo were the words "Part of the Walmart group" which prompted Neville give the name "Wally Mart."

Lavender, on the other hand had gone for "Debbie Nahm" which she got from the Debenhams department store.

Hermione was in no real state to answer, so Harry answered for her, giving the name "Millie Kidston" which was a combination that he mad by combining Millets, a shop specialising in outdoor clothing and camping supplies with Cath Kidston, a shop selling designer handbags and the like.

When prompted for his name, Harry had a slight moment of panic. Having been thinking of a name for Hermione, he forgot to think of one for himself.

The only place that he could immediately see was Nando's, a restaurant specialising in chicken dishes. Quickly he replied "Nando Harrison."

As all this was going on, Ron had been silently sweating. He couldn't think of a name. He could see nothing that would provide him with two names like Dean and he could see nothing that he could break into two names like most of the others had done.

He saw what Harry had done for Hermione's name, but still could not find anything.

Harry's chosen name had given him hope though. He didn't have to go with a completely fake name, just partially.

"And you, sonny?" asked the police officer, and Ron realised that the man had been talking to him.

No one but the police officer was looking at him, all desperately hoping that he didn't screw this up for them.

Out of the corner of his eye he spotted the iconic logo for his favourite restaurant chain in the muggle world.

Thankful for the sight of those wonderful two golden arches, Ron opened his mouth and replied with full confidence (and no small amount of ignorance) "Ronald MacDonald."

Dean gave a very small groan and hid his face in his hands as Harry, Lavender and a suddenly sobered Hermione, the only other ones to understand Ron's mistake, all turned to look at him incredulously.

* * *

><p><strong>And they sober up in a prison cell.<strong>

**For anyone interested, the original punchline to this joke when I first heard it was Ken Tuckyfriedchicken. I think that Ron's answer works better for him.**


	5. Understanding the Bookends

**An Anthology of Wizard Wheezes!**

**(Funny Tales from the Magical World!)**

Understanding the Bookends

Draco Malfoy and Vincent Crabbe were standing outside 'The Black Serpent', a small pub located in Knockturn Alley that was usually frequented by shady individuals of ill repute, or by rich individuals who were looking to employ one of the afore mentioned shady individuals of ill repute to do their dirty work.

Malfoy took out a golden pocket watch and checked the time.

"Goyle is late," he observed loudly as he pocketed his watch again.

Crabbe grunted in acknowledgement.

Quite suddenly there was a swooshing sound and the duo turned to look up the street.

To their surprise their wayward accomplice was flying towards them on a brand-spanking-new Nimbus 2020 broomstick.

Gregory Goyle pulled the broom to a stop and, with a triumphant look on his face he swung himself off of the broom and onto the cobblestone street.

"Where on earth did you get that?" demanded Malfoy.

"Well," said Goyle "it was the strangest thing. There I was, walking along, heading for the nearest public floo connection when this stunning Veela flies up to me on this broom. She jumps off, strips off all of her clothing and proclaims loudly "Take what you want!" so I had the broom."

As Malfoy goggled at Goyle in disbelief, Crabbe commented "Good choice mate. I doubt that any of her clothes would have fit you."

Malfoy turned his gaze towards Crabbe for a moment before shaking his head and turning towards the door of the pub, muttering "I need a drink."

* * *

><p><strong>Gotta love the goons!<strong>


	6. The Drunk and the Tramp

**An Anthology of Wizard Wheezes!**

**(Funny Tales from the Magical World!)**

The Drunk and the Tramp

Having consumed way too much fire whiskey whilst celebrating Puddlemere United's winning of the Quidditch League, Seamus Finnigan stumbled out of the Hog's Head Pub and began making his way up the street, singing to himself.

His song was interrupted by a voice saying "Excuse me?"

Seamus paused and looked around. The voice had come from a homeless man who was sitting in a shop doorway, wrapped up in dirty, ragged clothing.

"I don't suppose you've got any spare change so I can buy some food?" the homeless man asked.

Seamus thought for a moment before slurring drunkenly "I'll tell you what I'll do…"

He put his hand into his pocket and pulled out a half empty packet of cigarettes "You can have one of these. It'll keep you warm."

"Sorry, sir," said the homeless man "but I don't smoke. I just want some money for some food."

Seamus thought for a moment before slurring drunkenly "I'll tell you what I'll do…"

He put the packet of cigarettes back into his pocket and pointed to the pub "I'll take you into the pub and buy you a drink. It'll to you good."

"Sorry, sir," said the homeless man "but I don't like the taste of alcohol. I just want some money for some food."

Seamus thought for a moment before slurring drunkenly "I'll tell you what I'll do. You come with me to Knockturn Alley and we'll find you a lady of the night. She'll show you a good time."

"Sorry, sir," said the homeless man "but I don't bother with women. I just want some money for some food."

Seamus thought for a moment before slurring drunkenly "I'll tell you what I'll do. You come home with me and I'll get my wife to cook you a proper, three course meal."

Delighted with the prospect, the homeless man stood up and said "Thank you, sir. But wouldn't that be a lot of trouble? Wouldn't it be easier to just give me some money for food?"

"Probably," replied Seamus "but I want my wife to meet you so's I can say "There you go love - if a man doesn't bother with smoking, drinking or sex, this is what he'll end up like!"

* * *

><p><strong>Gotta love Seamus!<strong>


	7. In the Girls' Dorm

**An Anthology of Wizard Wheezes!**

**(Funny Tales from the Magical World!)**

In the Girls' Dorm

Lavender Brown was in the seventh year girls' dormitory, trying on dresses for her upcoming date and getting the opinions of her roommates Parvati Patil and Fay Dunbar.

She had just slipped on a sexy red number when the fourth resident of their dormitory, Hermione Granger, walked in.

"What do you think Hermione?" asked Lavender, striking a pose.

Hermione faltered for a moment before stating "Well, its… interesting."

"It's not too low cut at the front?" asked Lavender.

"Well…" said Hermione, thoughtfully "…that depends. Do you have any hairs around your navel?"

"What?" exclaimed Lavender in shock "No! Of course not!"

"Then the dress it too low cut." said Hermione.

* * *

><p><strong>I can't believe I wrote this one…<strong>


	8. Unlucky For Some

**An Anthology of Wizard Wheezes!**

**(Funny Tales from the Magical World!)**

Unlucky for Some!

Draco Malfoy was lying on his deathbed with only a couple of hours to live.

To the side of the bed his long-time companion, Pansy Parkinson stood with tears in her eyes.

Weakly he beckoned her for her to come closer.

"Pansy," he said weakly "you have always been by my side."

"I have," she acknowledged.

"Every time Harry Potter bested me at Hogwarts, you were there by my side."

"I was."

"When father was arrested in the Department of Mysteries, you were there by my side."

"I was."

"And when my family lost much of its fortune through paying reparations for the war, you were there by my side."

Pansy sniffed and said again "I was."

"When we were stripped of our family seat on the Wizengamot, you were there by my side."

"I was."

"And when Father died of Dragonpox, you were there by my side."

"Yes, I was."

"Then, when Astoria left me and took Scorpius and most of my remaining money with her, where were you?"

"By your side, Draco," Pansy replied, tears running down her face."

"Yes you were," agreed Draco "And now, as I lie here on my deathbed, it is you who is at my side."

"I am," said Pansy.

Draco nodded before saying "Pansy… I love you dearly, but I'm beginning to think that you're nothing but bad luck!"

* * *

><p><strong>Well, someone had to be the cause!<strong>


	9. Barking Up the Wrong Tree

**An Anthology of Wizard Wheezes!**

**(Funny Tales from the Magical World!)**

Barking Up the Wrong Tree.

Ron had gotten a couple of drinks into him and was now looking for the perfect girl to chat up.

He spotted one across the bar who had short brown hair framing her face and a pair of square-shaped glasses sitting on her nose.

Gathering up all of his courage he made his way across the bar and sat himself down on the bar stool next to her.

She looked at him questioningly and so Ron opened with one of the best lines he knew.

"Hey, baby. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put "U" and "I" together."

She laughed at his awful attempt and then offered him a condolence "Sorry, pal, but you're barking up the wrong tree. I'm a lesbian."

Ron, who had never heard the term before, asked "Oh, so what part of Lesbania are you from?"

She laughed again at his stupidity before correcting him "No, it's not a place. It's a sexual preference."

"What d'you mean?" asked Ron, clearly still clueless.

"Well…" she replied before taking a moment to look around the bar. She spotted the perfect target and pointed her out "See that blond woman over there?"

"Yeah?" said Ron.

"I'd love to get into her knickers."

"Bloody hell!" exclaimed Ron.

Stunned, he returned to the opposite side of the bar where Harry and Neville were drinking.

"So, how did it go?" asked Neville.

"Not too well," replied Ron "But on the plus side, I just discovered that I am a lesbian."

* * *

><p><strong>*Ahem*<strong>


	10. False Advertising?

**An Anthology of Wizard Wheezes!**

**(Funny Tales from the Magical World!)**

False Advertising?

"Come on guys," said Ron enthusiastically as he hurriedly made his way along Diagon Alley. "I want to see what new pranks the twins have cooked up."

"Alright Ron," replied Hermione. "We're coming."

In his eagerness to get to the shop, Ron didn't even notice the fact that Hermione currently had her left arm linked with Harry's right one while his left was linked with Luna's right arm. Usually such a sight would send him into jealousy mode, but today his mind was elsewhere.

Further testament to that was the fact that he hadn't yet complained once about Ginny holding hands with Neville.

"There it is!" said Ron, excitedly as the brightly coloured storefront of Weasleys Wizard Wheezes came into view. As usual there was a massive crowd of kids waiting to get in.

"Ron," said Neville from his position at the back of the group. "It seems very busy. Let's just go in the shop next door and let the queue go down."

"Yeah," agreed Ginny as she pointed to the window of the next shop over. "Look, it's a cafe, and the sign in the window says it's just opened. We can all have something to eat and wait for some of the crowd to disperse."

Ron's eagerness to see Fred and George's new pranks warred with the promise of food for a few moments but in the end his stomach won out and they all piled into the little café.

Inside there were maybe a dozen small tables spread out around a room with no more than four chairs each. There were a handful of people sitting down drinking cups of tea or coffee and enjoying a nice cake or two. They looked like they were parents taking a break while their children investigated the delights of the joke shop next door.

Harry and Neville shoved two tables together and began rearranging the chairs while the girls checked out the blackboards behind the counter where the various menus were written in while chalk. There were various hot and cold drinks, cakes, sandwiches and even a range of options for a full-day breakfast.

Ron looked around impatiently, but there didn't seem to be anyone actually working in the café.

Between them the girls decided what they were each going to have before asking Harry and Neville what they wanted.

Time ticked on and Ron was getting slowly more and more irritated. Not only was there a noticeable absence of staff, he had also noticed Harry, Hermione and Luna looking entirely too cosy with each other while Neville and Ginny were engaged in a whispered conversation with their heads entirely too close together for Ron's liking.

After what felt like an hour to Ron, but was in fact barely more than three minutes, someone came out of a back room and stood behind the counter.

Ron's jaw dropped. "Fred?"

"Oh, hey Ron," said one of the twins, looking up and spotting his younger brother. He looked over at the rest of the group "Alright you lot?"

"You work here?" demanded Ron before any of the others got a chance to reply.

""Yes," replied Fred. "But then, George and I do own the place."

"How come?" asked Neville.

"Well, the joke shop was doing so well that we decided to branch out," explained Fred. "At first we looked into opening another Wheezes shop in Hogsmeade but that didn't seem to financially viable so instead we opened up a café. Well, we did it for mum really. She doesn't have much to do these days since most of us have moved out, so now she baked cakes and bread and we sell it here and give her some of the profit."

"That's nice," said Luna.

"Yeah," agreed Fred. "Keeps mum happy, anyway. So, what can I get for you?"

Harry, Hermione, Luna, Ginny and Neville each rattled off what they wanted and Fred wrote it all down.

Ron, meanwhile was looking up at the sandwich menu with a frown on his face. Rather than list the various kinds of sandwiches on offer, the menu simply read:

_Weasley Sandwiches:_

_Name the filling you desire,_

_Any filling at all,_

_And we'll stick it between some bread,_

_At no extra cost at all!_

The idea of the twins opening up another successful business had caused a spike of jealousy within Ron for a moment, but looking at that menu caused a smile to appear on his face.

"_I'll catch these gits out," _he thought a little spitefully while Fred noted down Neville's order.

"And for you, Ron?" asked Fred.

Fighting to keep a triumphant grin off of his face Ron replied "I'll have the Centaur's Foreskin Sandwich, please."

His five friends turned to look at him with disgusted expressions on their faces while Fred looked a little uncomfortable.

"Ah," he said. "Well, we can't exactly serve that right now…"

"Aha!" said Ron, triumphantly. "See? You're lying to the public! That menu there says that you'll make sandwiches with anything I want, but you won't make one with Centaur's foreskin!"

"I am well aware of what the menu says," retorted Fred. "Unfortunately, we've run out of bread!"

Ron balked while his friends laughed at his expression.

* * *

><p><em><span>AN:__ So this collection got updated. To be honest, I'm as surprised as you are!_


End file.
